Breakup, pt. 4

I dissolved things with Yana; I felt like too much of what I was sharing with her was just me sharing what I missed with Grace; there were a few times when I was talking to her about the apartment and I said "we've got," by default thinking of the apartment as mine and Grace's, even though I was now sleeping with Yana. I was, daily, dealing with memories and their attached sentiments, while I was supposed to be spending time with her. And then when I returned from Antwerp and I was tired and retracted, she was full steam, and seemed to try to make up for what I was not putting across by coming on stronger, and it made me even more uncomfortable. The next day, I told her that I had been experiencing a sort of blindness to the person I'd seen her as before we began sleeping together; that my boundaries had become porous and it was causing me to feel somewhat invaded, and that my identity wasn't clear to me. I don't remember quite everything we talked about, but we halted the romantic/sexual aspects of our relationship.

And now I see her and I still want to hug and kiss her, as much as I did at the beginning, because the boundaries have been reinstated, and I feel very soft towards her. But now I can't, and I am alone. And for the first time now since Grace left, I feel actually alone. Like there isn't anyone to care about what I do. I haven't told my family because I don't feel like including them in this; it won't help me. Yana is not inside my borders now; and Grace still is but I don't have access to her, and it makes me feel even worse. I've been drowning out the silence in political youtube videos; blocking the feeling by getting in snark-ridden arguments in comment sections. I don't think that is productive either. I have gone on tinder and okcupid, and there are women there I am genuinely interested in, but I don't have the energy to bother, and without some mojo, I'm just going to lose them anyways. Besides, am I just going to re-create this same dynamic, as with Yana? As with Grace, I just wanted her to be a bit more chill, and I think I would have been fine. I wanted her to be a bit more financially independent -- I ended up paying for us every time we went out, which I would have brought up as a gender roles issue, except I make quite a bit more than her, so it was kind of justified. The sex made me feel somewhat alienated because she was so intense during it that I felt like I was in a bed with an animal and not communing with another person so much.

It's like the opening of the borders is what eradicates the loneliness, but it's also what drives the insanity and the blurring of self. And yet, having no one within the borders is an incoherence, a nothing of self -- with no one else, there is nothing. I am nothing; nothing is anything.

I still feel the presence of great possibility in this, but I am not finding the way to take advantage of it. Meditation, creativity, reading, study. The possibility of being centered and self-accepting in solitariness. Discovering self-love. Deriving meaning even without dependence on the presence of aonther. Isn't that what gods and pets are for?

Breakup, pt. 3

It'll be a month in two days. It feels like much longer. At times, I'm feeling abandoned. This was something we were in together and she gave up on it. It doesn't help to imagine her being happy; I have the impression, rightly or wrongly, that she doesn't think about me except when I insert myself into her day, and then she feels bad. She doesn't seem to have any overflowing feeling that she feels the need to share with me. That makes me feel insignificant and spiteful, and so I'm barely talking to her. And thus the connection that we promised each other we'd keep intact dwindles.

I'm grappling with the sense of a lack of meaning. I keep thinking about how if I can't share things with her, then what are they? And I have no one of her status to share things with; there is something perhaps about sharing things with a person that is your intimate that is different. They are intimately concerned with your successes and struggles, because they are attached to you, and by extension, them. I miss all the things I was able to be to her, when I was able to help, and not just let her down like I did so often. I very much feel like she is a difficult person, and now I wonder if I will have trouble feeling like something is real if it isn't as much of a challenge as she was.